Different Rant thread.

I can't feel love, I can't feel joy. It feels so numb inside of me that it's almost painful. My feelings are swayed and every morning I wake up and I pray to whatever is up there that I'll feel love today. I pray that my heart will skip a thousand beats per second for a good man. I walk down the hallways and I see a couple pressing up against the wall, hiding from the staff and stealing kisses from each other. I want that. I want to share my life with a man that will care for me and that wont betray me the first moment he feel insecure or unsafe. I don't want to live my life on the sidelines but whenever I try to join the race, my feet are planted on the floor and they wont let me run free. I watch as people run and go, sway back and forth, feel love and feel the horrible consequences that come with it.


I want to look at myself in 3,5,8 years and have a happy life, have a good job, have a family and have someone to love and to call my husband. I want to get stretch marks on my thighs and stomach because I gave birth to a child-an infant. I want to not push people away, I want men to notice me. I want to have so many things and I want to feel happy. Happiness is not in my dictionary, not in the way a couple shares it. I want to let someone in, not keep them out. I want to have control of my body for once and feel like thrill of having a secret relationship-of having an overly cliche story. Those stories are popular for a reason, because they are a fantasy and they are something so unreal and beautiful that you want it for yourself. I want it for myself because I know I love things and demands things I can't have. Let me be persuaded to dance with a man, let me be persuaded to make the most stupid decisions of my life and get away with it. Let me share bodies, let me share feelings, let me make connections with newborn infants and with others.


Let me explore, let me be free, let me be loved.


But how can I be loved if I wont let anyone near me? How can I be loved if this feeling inside of me, part of me, wont let me? There are little voices in my head saying "Go on. Let him in-he is the one." There are little voices that scream no over and over again. I was loved, chased by a beautiful man. I still remember his name, when we first met, each fight we had, how he looked, who he was. I remember pushing him away because I was too scared and now he is gone. He is no longer a man chasing after me, madly in love for me, but for another woman. I am happy, desperately happy that he loves someone else. That he may be engaged right now and even married or on his honey moon. I just crave what he has now, I just crave that magical feeling that I felt whenever he spoke to me like he would lay everything down just for me. I want to fight, and I want him to feel bad and I want to apologize for being the most wild and cruel bitch. I want him to hug me, cuddle me, swoop me up in his strong arms and take me away to a land where there is no end between time and space. Where we're trapped in it.


I don't necessarily want HIM to hug me-he is far too out of my league now and it is far too late for second chances. I just want something like that; a secret, screwed up but very cliche love life.

I want to be a suburban house wife that takes her kids to soccer every day after school and brings lemonade to the neighborhood meetings. I want to be that women that has a child that loves her. I want to grow up and be that sexy mom everyone respects. I can't believe what I'm asking for, but I want to be heart broken.
I want to feel anything as long as it fills in that empty hole in my heart.


It is human instinct to want to fit in a group or in a family. It is animal instinct to find a mate in life and reproduce, to survive both emotionally and physically.



I guess I have a thing for cliches.



Yours,


Hicel Kennedith